This is a transcript of Seergaze's quitting thread.
PLEASE READ THIS SECTION BEFORE YOU READ ANYTHING ELSE IN THIS THREAD ___________________________________________________________________________
It’s likely you’re here just to see how much you get mentioned. However, it’s very unlikely that you’ll be mentioned at all in the main body of this. Check out the ‘Honourable Mentions’ section near the bottom of this post and see if you’re there.
I understand this post is absolutely full of grammar mistakes (especially incorrect capitalisation and punctuation in brackets, I just can’t get my head around how to do it correctly). However, please keep in mind that I don’t capitalise the names of the Roblox users ‘boring’, ‘d4rk652’, ‘feline75’, ‘fang13674’ and maybe some others because their names aren’t capitalised. This thread's also really badly written in general and there's a lot I could've improved, but I just wanted to get this story out there.
I’m well aware that I use the following phrases to death in this post: ‘throughout the year’ ‘throughout [month]’, ‘through the years’, ‘over the next few months’, ‘later on’, ‘just', ‘however’, ‘anyway’, 'also' and possibly more. I’m sorry.
Back in very early 2010, I was a total recluse. I was home educated because of terrible experiences at school (though I went back to school in September 2010), and I very rarely made contact with the outside world. I could barely speak.
My younger brother would often play this game he found by clicking an ad on ‘AGame’ (flash game site) called ‘Roblox’. Occasionally I’d play on his account, usually on obstacle course places such as asimo3089’s ‘Longest obby’ game and ‘Who killed Patrick obby’ by coolbulls - A lot of the games I played in 2010 in general were obbies. So, on 11th March 2010, I finally asked my mum if I was allowed to make my own Roblox account. She allowed me, and my first account was created on 11th March 2010: YummyMonkeynuts.
I know what a lot of you are thinking. ‘What kind of a username is THAT?’. Well, it doesn’t mean what you’re probably interpreting it as. I based it off the food (they’re basically peanuts). Being 10 at the time, I didn’t even consider that the name could be interpreted in such a way. I’ve changed the username since.
Throughout the year, I made friends, such as MegaHacked, wisecool45, Yoshi439, kobo69, autobot685, xjayx, lime154 and SuperDraganova. I also played Roblox with my younger brother a lot, though for obvious reasons I’m not disclosing his Roblox name. Here’s some gossip on the friends I mentioned:
MegaHacked - The first Roblox ‘friend’ (as in, the first person I talked to on a regular basis) I ever made, who joined 8 days after I did. I met him at the Iron Cafe, we got along, and after asking him how to send a friend request (you could only do it through the website then), I became friends with him. Woo!
The one thing I distinctly remember about MegaHacked is that he made his own game, ‘Zombies are attacking sub base!!!!’, in which you were placed in a free model building with a giant swarm of free model zombies running into it. 10 year old me found it extremely fun. MegaHacked then advertised it, and the comments became filled with negativity on the game, saying how full of free models and boring it was. Heartbreaking. Anyway, a month later or something we got into an argument over whether Mario or CoD was better, and we stopped talking after that.
wisecool45 - I’m not exactly sure where I met him, but we became friends because we just enjoyed playing Roblox together.
Yoshi439 - I met him at Tiger(numbers)’s Roblox Derby game, I think. We shared a common interest in Nintendo games, mainly ‘Mario and Luigi: Bowser’s Inside Story’, which I encouraged him to buy and we often talked about while he was playing through it.
autobot685 and xjayx - My first Roblox clique. I became friends with these two because we shared a common interest in Roblox horror games, especially bobulator’s ‘Face your Fears’ Roblox game series, which we would play EXTENSIVELY. wisecool45 hanged out with us too, on occasion.
kobo69 - I met him a few weeks after I joined at the F.E.A.R. Underground Base. I was trapped in that one room that you could only open/close from the outside, and he let me out of there (there was no reset button in the Roblox menu at the time). Instant friends.
Later on, though, he got into a petty argument with a user called AstroAustin, during which I lost connection. Since that day (20th April 2010), kobo hasn’t logged on. Ugh. For years later I’d check back on his profile to see if he’d logged on recently or something.
SuperDraganova - I met him at WhoStoleMahCar’s ‘Expedition Station’ game (known as ‘Blue Depot’ now). We became friends after roleplaying at that game, and we continued to do so, over and over and over.
lime154 - I met him at bobulator’s Face your Fears 1 game (I think), and I was pretty much his first friend on Roblox. We’d play games on Roblox a lot, mainly adventure and horror games.
Throughout the year, I also temporarily joined several clans, including F.E.A.R., Daywing Clan (I even made a base for this clan, called ‘Fort Cragma’. It’ll still be archived somewhere on some old Roblox place of mine, If I can ever be bothered to find it), some clan that the user PrisonMurderer made that I can’t remember the name of and SAR. Predictably, I didn’t stick with any of these clans for very long.
It also has to be said that around June 2010 onwards, I became absolutely obsessed with ‘using good grammar’. I’d pretty much shun anybody who didn’t ‘use it’. Looking back, though, the ‘grammar’ I used myself was full of mistakes and spelling errors. It still is now, to some extent.
Some time in very, very early 2011 (or maybe even really late 2010, I’m not actually sure), I ‘quit’ Roblox. For three months, just about. Anyway, around April of 2011 I stopped using YummyMonkeynuts due to the growing realisation that the username had unintentional vulgar connotations. I then moved to an alt I’d made in June of 2010, ‘r3tro’. I bought BC on this account and transferred all the Robux from YummyMonkeynuts (about 1k) to r3tro and there we had it - my new main account.
So, at the start of 2011, I got into sword fighting. I’d play Sword Fight on the Heights Original pretty often, although the sword fighting game I REALLY played often was Sword Fighting Tournament by TheGamer101. I just really liked rising up through the levels of swords and eventually getting to the Firebrand (I even made the account ‘Firebrandnub’ since it was my signature sword). The game modes were fun too.
So, up until about mid-August, I’d mostly play Roblox totally solo. I’d play games with lime154 a couple of times a week, but other than that, I was happy to just play solo and live away my days. That was, until, mid-August, when I met the user JPFan at SFT. JPFan seemed cool, mainly because he was just great to be around and his grammar was spot-on (a selling point to me at the time). We interacted a bit and exchanged friend requests. He then asked me to follow him to a game (Haunted Chronicles 3) with his group of friends, and I did so. My terrible computer was running it at 1 frame a minute though, so I had to leave. We agreed to talk later though.
Over the next few months we played Roblox frequently and became great friends, and I also became pretty good friends with the people in his friend group, which included Lemona, fluffballkitten, babyluigi2112, chanasi and Morpie99. JPFan was my best friend out of all of them though - I just couldn’t be sad when I was around him. He was unlike anyone I’d ever met, and at this point I felt he was the one friend I’d ever had who I could truly relate to and see myself hanging out with for many years to come.
I felt jealous that JPFan would spend a lot of time talking to all of his other friends and I felt neglected (even though he would talk to me a lot too, but I guess I just overlooked that as a just-turned-12 year old). When I confronted JP over this I made a massive and obnoxious deal of it, and it all ended with me saying ‘you’ve won the argument, goodbye’, to which responded with ‘goodbye. thank you for increasing my sadness’. That happened in October 2011.
Throughout the rest of the year (not the second half of December, I was on holiday without internet then) I just played Roblox with SuperDraganova and lime154, seemingly happy to forget about JPFan and that he ever existed. I then fell out with SuperDraganova over something trivial, though that fall out wasn’t nearly as impactful as the one I had with JPFan would go on to be. At the start of December 2011 I decided I was quitting and moved to ‘Marapets’, some virtual pets site.
In mid-January, I came back from my holiday, finally with internet again. I managed to get lime154 to try out Marapets but he didn’t like it. The weeks went by, and everything was fine, until I started feeling depressed and extremely lonely all the time. It was pretty obvious why - I’d lost my best friend and now I had nobody to go to. Eventually, around late March 2012, I came back to Roblox.
What I tried to do when I came back was make new friends. I tried to find people that stood out in games and who had individuality, tried to find somebody that could replace JPFan. I couldn’t relate to anybody whatsoever when I compared them to JPFan, which made me feel hopelessly isolated. It’s also worth noting that school was hell on earth for me at this moment in time, i.e. I had no friends there and I was going through an awful time in general. I was totally alone after once having the best friends I’d ever had. Eventually, I made the account ‘DieCactusDie’ so that I could try and phase myself back into JPFan’s friend group while delaying my apology to him because I felt I didn’t have the strength to apologise.
It was 4 AM (I’d just woken up) on 4th July 2012 and I joined Lemona’s ‘Build’ game, where JPFan and his friend group would often go. He wasn’t there, though, only Lemona, Morpie99 and some others. JPFan soon joined (which was terrifying at the time), and, he’d, er… changed.. Like, REALLY changed. He wasn’t using grammar anymore (which shocked me to my core) and he’d lost a lot of the individuality that I remembered him having. His avatar was TOTALLY off-style from what he’d worn back in 2011, and as a whole I was so depressed to see that the good ol’ JPFan I’d once known was seemingly totally gone.
As I kept showing up at Lemona’s Build game, DieCactusDie became a recognised figure and I got along with everyone there. JPFan was rarely there, though, because he was busy with ‘OT’ (the Off Topic subforum on Roblox), which Lemona said was what had changed him so much. His constant busyness depressed me even further because all I wanted was to be around him (perhaps a bit weird, but I was in a state). I became good friends with Lemona over the next few weeks, though, and eventually revealed who I was to her, chanasi and Morpie99, to which they were like “OH YEAH! I REMEMBER YOU!!!”. So, that was it - my identity was loose. After apologising profusely to JPFan (to which the response was ‘it ok’) I started using r3tro to hang out with them instead of DieCactusDie.
Me, Lemona, chanasi and Morpie99 were more or less the members of my friend group at the time. We’d usually be at Lemona’s ‘Build’ game, but occasionally we’d go to other places e.g. me and chanasi would sometimes roleplay. Shortly later, though, Lemona decided she was quitting soon due to being too busy with school and other real life issues, which she went through with. She didn’t leave totally at that point, but she was pretty much only online at weekends. She had a ‘goodbye party’ with me and WolfSeeker559 (one of her friends) and I still have pictures of it somewhere.
At this point, I pretty much felt like my life had no direction and was at an end point, if it hadn’t already before. Everything felt concluded with no loose ends, I was left friendless after trying to rebuild everything and school was awful and had nothing to offer. What can I say? My life was nowhere NEAR an end point. It had barely, barely started.
Around July 12th, I started posting on OT a bit on the account DieCactusDie, just to see what the place which had changed JPFan was like. It was an alright place, and it was pretty nice to interact with people, especially considering my feeling of isolation. I wasn’t too influenced by OT’ers at this point, still using grammar and acting like a decent human being.
On 27th July 2012, my first real taste of OT happened - I joked that princessmidna (an OT’er at the time) had died in a car crash. This spread through OT crazily, and for a good 5 hours that day it was all people talked about. So many people believed it and others who didn’t believe it got so bitter about it. Soon enough, I totally fit into OT. A few days later DieCactusDie was deleted, though (DieCactusDie2 also), so I made a new ‘forum browsing’ account (so that r3tro wouldn’t get banned): TheGostOfYoo (this name was based off the MCR song ‘The Ghost of You’. Yeah, I liked that music. ‘Ghost’ was spelled ‘Gost’ because ‘maybe its gosts’ was an OT fad at the time and ‘You’ was spelled ‘Yoo’ because… because.). I began posting extremely quickly (hundreds of posts a day) and within a few weeks I was extremely well known throughout OT.
The most relevant people from OT in 2012 (THOUGH NOT ALL FRIENDS, and this isn't a list of absolutely everybody who was relevant to me) for me were Earth, Caketrooper, Petrikov, Zakro, vOwens, PokemonEevee, Zirconiferous, DownloadEX, sdfgw, meldo and Ratiosu381. Here’s what made all of them relevant in 2012 alone:
Earth - I’m not really sure why I got along with her back in 2012, and I wasn’t sure then, either. But we got along, and I still remember the feeling of glee when she sent me a friend request after I’d been considering sending her one for the past few days. I was in her clique with vOwens, meldo, sdfgw and Caketrooper. Our clique was the CREW.
Caketrooper - I’m really not sure why he liked me. I was like his annoying little brother who would constantly act immature while he’d act super mature. We interacted on OT a surprising amount, though.
Petrikov - When I first joined OT, for the first few weeks, I sucked up to Petrikov so badly. That was, until, he started harassing me with what really got to me then (here’s an example of his harassment: http://forum.roblox.com/Forum/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=76020476). Soon enough, he started reporting all of my posts to try and get TheGostOfYoo deleted, to which I responded by doing the same to him, with Caketrooper’s help. The outcome? I got well over 75 of his accounts deleted and he got 0 of mine deleted.
Zakro - Man, I was terrified of Zakro. This guy was SCARY to 13 year old me. From what I saw for months and months, all he did on Roblox every day was log in, insult people with horrific words and demoralise them for 15 minutes, then log off. I tried to avoid all interaction with him and succeeded for the most part in 2012.
vOwens - He was just COOL. He was part of Earth’s clique and posted cool things.
PokemonEevee - For the month of December 2012 she was probably the person I talked to most actively in OT. We got along really well together.
Zirconiferous - In 2012, he’d constantly post weird and cryptic things, usually song lyrics or weird references that only about 10 people on this planet would get.
DownloadEX - Though he seemed pretty bitter towards me at first, we became pretty good friends over the course of 2012.
sdfgw - He liked the Skulduggery Pleasant book series, and as soon as he posted about it I instantly started discussing it and ‘emotionally bonding over it’ (sdfgw’s words) with him. He was also part of Earth’s clique.
meldo - Condescending ‘teen intellectual’. We talked pretty often on OT and he was in Earth’s clique.
Ratiosu381 - He was in Earth’s clique. We got along and he had a cool mind.
I also used a 2011 account of mine called ‘MiseryMire’ to comedically and anonymously harass users in Earth’s clique throughout 2012, and I even stole a gag off somebody else of making threads with the title ‘sdfgw’ and the body ‘dhsdfg’ (or thereabouts) every time sdfgw so much as glanced at Roblox. Earth and sdfgw became all too familiar with the phrase ‘your a noob’ (the ‘your’ is intentionally wrong). You’d have to have been around in 2012 and understand the characters of the people being harassed to really understand any of this. I know that ShivyAU sure remembers (Hi!)
In October 2012, up until about mid-November, I posted pretty actively on RT as well as OT. While I didn’t enjoy RT nearly as much as I did OT, I became pretty good friends with the RT’er ‘Shadetastic’ (AKA GoldenStatue).
The beginning of August 2012 to the end of December 2012 was a really big time for me - I was happy again and my life felt like it had meaning. I had FRIENDS, people who I could consistently talk to every evening without failure. It helped me totally get over the sorrow caused by the shenanigans with JPFan, and it seemed like a permanent solution to my loneliness at the time.
I became jealous of users such as Boeing717, Zirconiferous, sdfgw, Caketrooper and meldo. They all seemed so smart, considering that I was just some dumb kid, and they made me feel dumb whenever I read their ‘intellectual discussion’ threads. I told myself (not publicly) that I’d work hard to become an intellectual by the time I was their ages (15-16). Bless me.
Anyway, on 21st December 2012 I purposely got TheGostOfYoo deleted (I didn’t like the username). For a few days after that I forumed on my current alt at the time ThankYooForTheVenom, then on 28th December I created what would be my new foruming account: Seergaze. It went on to be a lot more than that, though, considering it was the account I used for about 48% of my time on Roblox.
I started using Seergaze as my main ‘foruming’ account on 1st January 2013. Here’s the first post I made on that account, even: http://forum.roblox.com/Forum/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=85866085.
For a month or so after I started using Seergaze, things went on as normal. I was still posting super quickly and most of the people previously mentioned were still active on OT. In about February, though, Earth and Zirconiferous got together and started posting massive conversation threads. While they certainly didn’t anger me nearly as much as they did others, they made me sad because Earth pretty much cut off all contact with her OT friends when the threads started. On 23rd February I got a new computer, a decent one which could actually run things. For context, my previous one could only run very small Roblox games at the time I replaced it.
I became pretty good friends with Glosso. He was 18 at the time and I was 13, and he acted a lot more mature than I did at the time. This had a real impact on me, and talking to him very often definitely helped me begin to realise the difference between maturity and immaturity.
Because of this new computer and the time I was spending hanging out with Glosso, I started branching out from OT and actually spending my free time on things other than OT. As I kept doing this, by April I had more or less lost 90% of my interest in OT - the only reasons I was really there was to relive the good ol’ times of four months ago and to keep up with the users I cared about who were still active there. I also started realising just how terrible users there were and stopped caring what people thought of me. I lost a lot of my ‘trying-to-fit-in’ behaviour too. From January 2013 to the end of August 2013, I was on 2-3 hours of sleep a night, by choice. That created PLENTY of time to play more Roblox. The rough times at school were over, but 2-3 hours of sleep meant I was barely able to function throughout the day.
With this new computer I found I was able to attend 3x the amount of OT parties that I was able to before. I found that I generally preferred these to actually posting on OT. Anyway, I was hosting a party in April 2013 and Zakro joined the game. If you didn’t skip over the 2012 section then you may remember that I didn’t feel all too good about Zakro. Now that we were well into 2013, though, I wasn’t ‘scared’ of him at all anymore, I was actually really passive and my stance on him was simply that I ‘disliked’ him. I’d still only interacted with him once or twice briefly at this point and he didn’t know my stance on him. Me, him and some others just had an OT party, usual procedures.
But for the next few parties that I hosted at Minigame Mania after that, Zakro kept coming back. We were interacting more and more each party and our discussions were becoming more and more independent from what everyone else in the parties were saying. Eventually he sent me a friend request. I accepted, stared at my friends list for a bit and thought ‘huh. cool. me and zakro are friends.’
Whenever either of us would host an OT party (which was VERY often) the other one would join without fail. We went on to play Roblox games outside of parties extremely often, with people such as fang13674, boring, Phasmophobia (much to my joy and Zakro’s dismay), tnt91, Glosso, JPFan on occasion and later on in the year, kickmecookies. I found I could relate to Zakro in a way that I couldn’t with anyone else on OT due to the fact that he saw what made certain people awful to be around in the same way that I did, and at the time we were both total introverts with nothing to say for ourselves in terms of our social lives. For pretty much all of the year from April, the vast majority of my time on Roblox was spent playing Roblox with Zakro or exchanging messages with him. In October of 2013 we had one of our many discussions at Flood Escape (known as our ‘gossip place’), in which Zakro told me I was like the cool same-age-as-him brother that he’d never had and that I was certainly better than anyone he knew IRL.
In August of 2013 I reunited with JPFan and Lemona properly, and we played Roblox for a couple of hours together every day for the next couple of days after that. Then, inevitably, Lemona went on to vanish for another year and JPFan became hard to come by.
I was pretty bitter towards boring (who’d very often play Roblox with me and Zakro). He’d never treat me the same as Zakro despite the fact that I felt Zakro had ‘a lower moral stance’ than me, and he’d constantly point out bad things that I was doing while Zakro got off scot-free every time. I tried and tried to get boring to like me but he saw me as inferior no matter what. Looking back, it was certainly because of things other than ‘my higher moral stance’, but 13 year old me just didn’t see that.
In August of 2013 I found something out about Glosso, and it turned out he wasn’t the friend I thought he was. Regardless of this, I’m still appreciative of the impact he had on me and I’ll never forget him.
Me and DownloadEX became great friends throughout the year, hanging out a lot and just really getting along. However, he did something very controversial in August and received an incredibly negative response from many, including a lot of his friends. I didn’t care about it and stood by him, which led him to consider me as one of the only true friends he’d ever had, and pretty much the only person he could trust with anything. On 19th October, he logged off Roblox and didn’t log back in for a week. Or a month. Or two months. Or six months. Or a year. Or two years. He still hasn’t logged back online to this day, two years and four months later. As time went by I kept telling myself that he’d surely come back eventually, but I think we’re long beyond that now. From what I’ve gathered over the years, it’s fairly plausible to say that he’s been using a secret account on Roblox since then and he’s never coming back as DownloadEX.
As for OT, I continued posted throughout the year, though much more infrequently than I had in 2012. I didn’t at all have the same enthusiasm for it as I did yesteryear and it had really lost something for me ever since 2013 had started. As a poster, a lot of people saw me as ‘one of the nicest OT’ers’, though they didn’t know that I was actually concealing so much hatred towards them. I’m sure well over 50% of my posts then were ‘OT Party ft. Zakro’ (just as a decent chunk, though not as much as 50% of Zakro’s posts were ‘OT party ft. Seergaze’).
In the first few months of 2014 I kept trying to force myself to get back into OT, forcefully convincing myself that it hadn’t really changed THAT much and that there was at least still some appeal to it. Truly, though, there was no real appeal to it for me then - everyone I liked had left and very few of the present users were enjoyable. On 8th August 2014, I decided to quit OT (Which we all know failed, though I did manage to quit OT until January 2015).
As usual, I continued to spend the vast majority of my time on Roblox playing games with Zakro, although because more people were inactive now it was frequently just me and him playing, with no fang13674 etc. to accompany us, up until maybe July, when the new crew of d4rk652 and Charles (goingnowhere/TheSaddestLandscape. It’s just, everyone calls him Charles) started playing with us a lot. Back in 2013 I’d known d4rk had existed and had just discarded him as some other guy, but soon enough I was playing Roblox with d4rk and without Zakro out of my own choice, as in, I was inviting him to games out of my own choice(!!!!!!!).
In June of 2014, Earth (one of my OT friends from 2012, if you’ve forgotten) came back for a bit. We began having frequent daily conversations through Roblox messages. Let’s just say, in these messages… we were super hormonal teenagers. I was also PM’ing Zirconiferous (who was with Earth at the time) frequently and 90% of everything he said to me was ‘what is earth saying???’. I kept lying to him that everything we were exchanging was totally platonic, and he ate these lies up right until he got onto Earth’s account. After that they both just drifted away from Roblox and Zirconiferous started holding a grudge against me. PokemonEevee has these messages between me and Earth, so if you pester her then maybe she’ll give you them, I don’t know.
Lemona came back in July for the month, too. She vanished promptly after it though and hasn't come back properly since.
The mild bitterness I’d had towards boring in 2013 was now nothing short of venom. I now saw nothing good in him, especially ever since he posted certain political views on OT which made me totally shun him and purposely take loopholes to avoid all contact with him. Whenever I saw Zakro playing with boring I’d keep pestering Zakro to leave the game. Back then nothing would’ve made me happier than boring being totally wiped off the face of Roblox, or made dead, even.
If you haven’t put it together already, throughout 2014 I was really angsty. I saw OT’ers as “not even people” and anybody who didn’t like me was instantly condemned as worthless. Easy to say, it’s a phase I’m glad I’m out of.
In very late August 2014, to further prove my angstiness, I (without any confrontation) ostracised JPFan because I didn’t like how he’d changed since 2011. After Zakro found this out he basically said “he’s still the same person who once meant so much to you. IcyTheHedgehog meant a lot to me years back, sure he’s changed, but he’s still the wise guy I once knew and we still have cool conversations every so often and get along really well. same should go for you and JPFan. I could certainly say you’ve changed for the worse but a small behavioural change you didn’t like isn't a reason to leave your friends.”, to which I responded “but he’s changed, therefore he’s irredeemable. sorry.” to which he responded ‘but he’s your friend who cares about you and would do great things for you. why would you be such a bad friend back? that’s conceited, selfish and absolutely disgusting’. After he sent that I just didn’t respond. I’d messed up, I knew it, and I wasn’t going to overtly acknowledge it. How did I go about solving this? I blocked Zakro. I removed d4rk too, for whatever reason (Like, what?). Charles left Roblox due to him moving to his dad’s (which didn’t have internet) and he added me on Steam later.
It was then I decided: I’m gonna become an EXTROVERT. And to some degree, I guess you could say I did, i.e. I actually started talking to people at school after years of being invisible. All of my IRL friends were fake, needless to say. That being said, this school year was a lot more bearable than any of the previous ones and the experience did help me understand people more. I drifted further and further out of the whole 'extrovert act' throughout 2015.
One day feline75 (who I’d known for a short time at the start of 2013) messaged me on Roblox, saying ‘i’m bored, lol. want to play something?’. I decided to, and in the coming weeks we got into a routine of playing Super Bomb Survival and The Quarry together pretty often.
There was one more standout incident in 2014: feline75 was painting her nails and I was being all douchebaggy, saying ‘hurry uuuuuup’. She then said ‘I’m sorry.’ and left. A few minutes later she messaged me, asking ‘Are you INSANE? Do you KNOW how crazy you sound? Everything just has to be about you, doesn’t it?’ and other similar things. This was out of the blue and really shook me at the time, and it could have been the point where we fell out, but we were just barely able to smooth things over and go back to our routine of playing Roblox together often.
On Christmas 2014 I came back to OT for a day (I’d still ‘quit’ OT at this point) and had some sort of throwback day to 2012. A lot of the people from my era were around and we just dominated OT for the day.
In January of this year, I came back to OT. I think the only person who welcomed me back and even noticed I was gone was blobbem. I apologised to JPFan who didn’t even know I’d had intentions to never talk to him again, also mentioning to him that now I was back on OT it was inevitable that I’d run into Zakro again.
At an OT party at Classic Dodge the Teapots of Doom, me and d4rk652 reunited, even though we’d only really known each other for a few weeks back in 2014, it was still really great to repair that bridge. We discussed the sensitive topic of me apologising to Zakro. I’d been a REAL bad friend to him, nobody was going to deny that. I’d broken up a year-and-a-half-long great friendship for my own idiotic reasons.
Ratiosu381 (an OT friend from 2012, if you forgot) came back in February under the account Sankoro after having vanished for the past year and a half. One inconspicuous day in February, I followed feline75 into a game where PokemonEevee (who I was pretty good friends with in 2012 OT, if you forgot) also was. Me and Eevee had been in infrequent contact since the start of 2013, ever since I drifted away from OT. It was really cool to finally be properly reunited.
So, in the coming days, me, feline75, Sankoro, PokemonEeevee Moristhecat and on occasion d4rk652 phased into a routine of frequently playing roblox together. Every Saturday night we’d stay up until 3 AM playing Roblox (But not d4rk. d4rk’s too sensible to stay up until 3 AM. Well, he was until later in the year). This was really fun, but my behaviour was atrocious. I’d frequently antagonise Moris (because I didn’t like his views) to the point where he downright despised me. My behaviour was also atrocious in general, and I made up a ton of lies to try build some edgy 'identity' for myself. Eevee seemingly tolerated this.
One night at 1 AM, feline75 asked me ‘do you think you’ve gone downhill?’ to which I responded ‘no, why lol?’, to which she responded ‘you’re so ill-tempered now. there’s none of the cheeriness that there was before.’ to which I responded ‘nah, i’ve always been pretty down’. There was more to this discussion but I can’t remember any more of it.
Sankoro blocked me one day out of the blue. I was totally confused as to why and it felt like a crushing blow to me. After I’d gotten Eevee to ask him why, it turned out I’d been rude to him - making fun of his dead dad had something to do with it. I didn’t realise I’d upset him that much because ‘I’d said it in a jokey context and he seemed to be over it’ and ever since this happened I’ve never said anything personally sensitive ‘in a jokey context’ again.
It was March 2015. Me, Eevee, d4rk652 and feline75 were at a game and everything seemed normal. feline75 then asked Eevee ‘hey, can you get in a party chat with me?’. Eevee did so, then about a minute later they both left without saying anything. After a quick look at profiles, I saw they were both at a game. I was kinda apprehensive - were they hiding something from me? - so I went undercover on another account to see just what they were saying.
They were saying how they were totally done with me, how I’d peaked in early 2013 and had only gone down the path of false cynicism and being an asshole ever since. I revealed myself and was greeted with ‘OH GOD LMAO’s. I then left and got off for the night, since it was about 11 PM then.
Looking back, it was pretty freaking obvious that it was going to happen, but it just flew right over my head then. I’d like to think that what happens online won’t ever affect me, but this incident gave me a feeling of genuine horror that I’d certainly never felt from Roblox before. I’d never, ever expected it to happen. It wasn’t until tomorrow evening that I even had somebody to vent to - d4rk. This was the first and only time that a friend on Roblox (let alone two of them, and some of my only friends at the time) had left me, rather than me leaving them.
Now seemed an extremely suitable time to apologise to Zakro, which I’d been putting off doing for months. We’d been out of contact for about 7 months now though, and I’d been a baaaaad friend, so apologising wasn’t something I could just do leisurely.. I put off apologising for a few days (while being told by d4rk ‘freaking do it’) before I finally got d4rk to message Zakro, saying ‘come to this game, it’s REALLY important, just come’. After the message had been sent, my heart was pounding so fast. Zakro, who I hadn’t seen in 7 months, entered the server. How did it go?
‘not accepted’ ‘just kidding’ ‘i’ve already forgotten whatever it was that you did’
Then some more discussion. I’m so glad I went through with that.
Throughout the rest of the year, I drifted away from Roblox. I played Pokemon with d4rk a decent amount for a few months and I played Roblox games with Zakro, fang13674, d4rk and on occasion Gamefreak1109 (who I was decent friends with in early 2013) every other weekend. Me and Zakro had some super deep/cheesy discussions about deep things. Sankoro unblocked me in about early May and we became on good terms again, only for him to intentionally get himself deleted in May (so that he could quit Roblox and deter himself from coming back) and not come back since.
In May I also finally got in contact with Earth again over Steam, who later broke up with Zirconiferous. She’d been wanting to for a while because of how sheerly creepy and morbid he was, and it was the last straw when she found out he’d been cheating on her for a while.
OK, so for later in the year? I was considering cutting this next part out, but whatever. I’d almost totally forgotten to write about it, it’s that unimportant to me.
If you were active on OT around of 2015 then you’ll probably be aware of the infamous ‘Seergaze quitting threads’. If you’re not aware, then in short I posted well over 70 quitting threads and bumped them all to 2-3 pages over the course of 50 days or so.
So, why’d I do it? For four key reasons: To absolutely shred my reputation on OT, to filter out friends who I was going to keep in contact with and the ones who I weren’t (i.e. only friends who I was going to keep in contact with wouldn’t care that I was posting them), to get Seergaze postwiped (Seriously, why can't we request postwipes?) and to get Seergaze deleted. All of them except the third became reality.
2016, AND MY THOUGHTS ______________________________________________________________________________
I certainly don’t think I’ll ever be really active on Roblox again, but if I’m ever bored on holiday or something without games or anything else to do… I might just come back for a week or two, in the far future. Maybe I’ll do so several times.
I don’t regret anything I’ve done here. Sure, I’ve been in fall outs with people and I’ve done a few really bad things, but it had to happen just so I could never do it again. To quote some great minds:
‘we live and we learn’ - Seergaze ‘some quicker than others’ - Zakro
It was only through screwing up over and over again that I managed to end up doing what I should’ve been doing since 2010 - being a decent human being and not just a terrible person in general.
Love me or hate me, I’m really glad with how my life’s turned out. Throughout my years on Roblox, my real life was usually lonely and had no direction to it, Roblox being the only reason that I was able to overlook this. My life today, for the most part, is sunny and cheerful and I’m a lot more open a person than I ever have been. I was also distant from my family for a long while, but in the past few years I’ve managed to really get along with them and see them as cool people.
I’m only able to live like this because of the impact everybody here’s had on me. JPFan was the gateway to me meeting everyone that I did post-July 2012, so he basically saved my life, or at the very least made me capable of really getting pleasure and meaning out of life. It’s still scary for me to think what path my life would’ve gone down if he didn’t act as that gateway. I can’t thank him enough, and I’m incredibly lucky to have met him in the first place (look back to 2011, where it was all down to me joining that exact server while playing SFT at that exact time of day). If there’s one person who I truly had no right to be a bad friend towards, it was JPFan.
Thanks to everyone else who had an impact on me too. This applies to anyone who I was friends with at any point. You’ve all helped shape me into who I am now. Even if you see that as the worst thing ever, you’ve still done it and I’m still thankful.
I’m going to feel really bad about those great friends who I’m going to leave behind who I’m simply unable to keep in contact with, such as Lemona and her friend group from 2012, Phasmophobia, DownloadEX and Sankoro (these aren’t all of them). They’ll forever be looming over me. I miss them all. I have no way of keeping in contact with them, though. I’m hopeful that I’ll have some way of doing so at some point.
If you do want to keep in contact with me after I leave then you can add me on Steam. My ID is crossbridgetree. This applies to anybody that I knew to any degree. I’ve got a bunch of friends on there from Roblox already. By the way, if I do come back to Roblox at some point, then I'll state it's me on my Steam profile. Anybody else isn't me.
The same goes for my friends from pre-OT. I was 10-12 when I knew them and I’m 16 turning 17 now, so they’re obviously from a different time entirely, but I haven’t forgotten any of them. I’ve gotten in contact with lime154 and xjayx pretty recently, although many others haven’t logged on in months/years so there’s just no way for me to do it. If any more of them happen to contact me in the future then I’ll be very happy to talk to them.
I’m sure some of you are curious as to what my favourite year of Roblox was. By what I did on Roblox alone, my favourite 2 years were 2012 and 2013. I was on 3 hours of sleep a night during 2013, though, so a lot of my time playing Roblox then was spent also thinking ‘I’m going to be so tired at school tomorrow’. I was also extremely shut-in towards people then, I was living very passively and my future was so uncertain. I don’t know. If I could re-live one year then I’d choose 2012 because I’ve always been extremely sentimental towards it and that year just has some sort of magic to it that I can’t explain.
Again, I don’t know. I saw my time on 2012 OT as some sort of ‘golden age’ for a while, a time where my life was at its peak. Looking back, though, my friendships on OT were all so undeveloped and I didn’t really have any way of relating to them, especially when compared to friends I made later on. I was constantly trying to prove myself to my peers, too. None of those things apply at all these days.
I’m not the intellectual that 13 year old me wanted to be so badly, but I’ve come a lot further than I genuinely thought I’d get back then. Younger me would’ve been over the moon after receiving the knowledge that I’d go on to turn out this way.
Oh, and boring? I don’t hate you now. Like, at all. I was just being an angsty teen. Sorry! I know I was one of many but I shouldn’t have acted the way I did.
Also, for a section meant to be mainly about Roblox for me in 2016, I really went off track… lots of rambling.
HONOURABLE MENTIONS ______________________________________________________________________________
First and foremost, don’t think that just because you were put here and not in the main body that you’re not important. Everyone listed here had a positive impact on me and I’m really glad I knew you. If you’re here, I just either couldn’t find a way to write you into the main story or think what to write about you.
Daedalheidis, MrPhelps, Crazc, Goomba4444, the2halowarrior, Swiftaloon, Litemare, MaxStirner, palkia1234, blobbem, Oozlebachr, hellogumball, zombiekiller112/Skellor, BLOKstormy, UpbeatOfficer, ChristinaWebs, JacobDeathshard, super64, suckingisokay, Hoodude, abobao, MeerkatsXx, QueenOfSaigon, Heartstrings, MangoJack, Zacmac, Oozlebachr, Gingka2k10, Kalyrian, robux_magnet (AKA urpi, agilz, EpicSpyDude and THAT account), ObakeKizuato, EarthboundFTW, firekillerxx, alnick.
Have I forgotten anyone? Definitely. Still, if you were relevant to me then I’m sure you know it (Or not!) :)